Mollieitus

Thank you for all your well wishes and I'm feeling a lot better although apparently I sound like a pneumatic drill when I'm asleep but I've only woken myself up a few times with the noise (Joules on the other hand has been having trouble sleeping)!

Last Friday when I felt cold, shivering and had a headache which wouldn't shift I spent the morning in A&E. Of course with Mollie. On Wednesday Mollie came home from school complaining that her toe was sore but she hadn't knocked or hurt it in any way. I had a look and it seemed fine, no swelling, no broken skin. An hour later Mollie couldn't walk, her toe was red and swollen and she couldn't walk on it. By Friday it was very sore and she had resorted to using her crutches (luckily the hospital had refused to take them back because it costs too much to sterilize them). An x-ray confirmed no fracture so the doctors decided to take blood to check for arthritis which if I say worried me slightly that would be a huge understatement, worse still, it would take a week to get the results. It was a long weekend in which I felt rotten and worried far too much. On Monday I managed to get hold of my GP who chased up the results and was able to tell us that Mollie doesn't have arthritis or any form of infection and to continue to rest the toe. We were very relieved to hear this and Mollie had named her condition Mollieitus. Today there is some improvement, Mollie is still on crutches but the swelling has receded and it is not as sore.

After that stress it was great to receive this joke from John.

Sainsbury condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life
KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good
Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hand
Abbey National Condoms - because life is complicated enough
Coca Cola Condoms - The real thing
Pringles Condoms - once you pop, you can't stop
Burger King Condoms - Home of the Whopper
Goodyear Condoms - For a longer ride, go wide
Muller light condoms - So much pleasure, but where's the pain?
Flash Condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work
Halford Condoms - We go the extra mile
Royal Mail Condoms - I saw this and thought of you
Andrex Condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Domestos Condoms - Gets right in the rim
Heineken Condoms - Reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg Condoms - Probably the best condom in the world
Pepperami Condoms - It's a bit of an animal Polo Condoms - The condom with the hole!! (VERY poor seller !!)
McDonalds Condoms - I'm Lovin' it!
American Express Condoms - Don't Leave Home Without it, or: That'll Do Nicely!
Microsoft Condoms - Where Do You Want To Go Today?
Radio Times Condoms - If it's on it's in
Pedigree Chum dog food condoms - Top breeders recommend it!
Daily Express condoms - Express Delivery
Martini Condoms - Anytime, Anyplace, Anywhere
Churchill Condoms - OH,YES
Kellogg's Fruit and Fibre Condoms - They're tasty, tasty, very, very tasty
Veet Condoms - Take the bull by the horns
XXXX Condoms - Australians wouldn't give a XXXX with anything else
TV Times Condoms - I never knew there was so much in it
Boddington's Condoms - The cream of Manchester
Cadburys Condoms - a Glass and Half in every one
Mars Condoms - Help You Work, Rest & Play
Special K Condoms - If You Can Pinch More Than An Inch
Bisto Condoms - Ahhhhhhhhh.!
Fruit Pastilles Condoms - Bet you can't put one in your mouth without chewing it
DFS Condoms - Open every bank holiday
Kwik Fit condoms - you can't get quicker than a Kwik Fit fitter!
Nintendo DS condoms - touching is good
Maxwell House condoms - good to the last drop
Rice Krispies Condoms - Snap, Crackle, Pop
EA Sports Condoms - It's in the game
Ebay Condoms - Buy it. Sell it. Love it.
Capital One Comdoms - What's In Your Wallet?
Morgan Stanley Condoms - One Client At A Time
Heinz Condoms - 57 Varieties
Creme Egg Condoms - How do you eat yours?
Nokia Condoms - Connecting People
Frosties Condoms - They're Grrrrreat!!
RAF Condoms - Rise above the rest
HM Revenue & Customs Condoms - It doesn't have to be taxing
Windows Vista Condoms - The Wow Starts Now
Mac Mini Condoms - Small is Beautiful
Philadelphia Condoms - A little taste of heaven
FedEx Condoms - When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight
Burger King Condoms - Have It Your Way
Yellow Pages Condoms = Let your fingers do the walking
T-Mobile Condoms - Simply Closer
Ikea Condoms - Screw yourself!

Busy as a Bee!

Life is very busy at the moment what with projects, exams and little monkeys! Not to mention my belly dancing, hockey, tennis and PA commitments, throw in a few birthday celebrations, nights out and books to read and I'm exhausted just thinking about it. The project is going really well thanks to Yvonne who moved from Dublin to Luxembourg as a child and has given Mollie lots of valuable information including unusual facts that wouldn't be readily available to Mollie. Dillon's exams are nearly finished, just two left on Friday then he has a week off school. Dillon is fairly confident that they all went quite well, except for the maths paper where he rubbed out every single answer (the less said about that the better)! As for me, I've been busy putting together an outfit for a fancy dress party I'm going to next week, the question is, should I go white and virginal or black and sexy? Can you guess the theme of the party?

Once again I bring you Witty Wednesday thanks to John.

Male or Female?

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TYRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated HOT AIR

BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying New Law:

Guess what...

Yesterday I started a new exercise activity and my children had great fun trying to guess what it was. After three clues Mollie guessed, it was very funny as they threw out wild suggestions so I thought I'd ask you lot to guess. The first clue is that it was a form of exercise, if nobody guesses there will be another clue tomorrow...and yes there will be a prize for the winner.

Witty Wednesday comes from my usual supplier.

A man was in a long line at his local supermarket. As he got to the checkout he realised he had forgotten to get condoms so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked; 'What size condoms?' The customer replied that he didn't know so she asked him to drop his trousers. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom; 'One box of large condoms, Checkout 5:

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the checkout, he told the check out girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the checkout for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said; 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5:

A few customers back was a teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the checkout he told the assistant he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said; 'Mop and bucket to checkout 5'.

Witty Wednesday

Thanks to Terri I don't feel so bad about those few extra pounds I gained over Christmas!

What to call a post when you've got brain freeze?

Yesterday was not a good day. Well it probably was for Dillon because there was no mention of phone bills. First I had a disaster in the kitchen. As you know I introduced the USA to flapjacks...well some of you anyway. I was so good at making them I could do it standing on my head, blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back, (you want to come and see me try)? Then I lost my baking mojo. I blame it on the lack of sunlight last summer but for the last few months I've been very uninspired in the kitchen and if my family got a decent meal they were lucky. Somewhere along the line I've refound my baking mojo and have even been trying out new dishes when I remembered that I owed the wonderful Laurie some flapjacks. So I baked a batch yesterday, they looked perfect when I took them out of the oven and I was dying for them to cool so I could sample one. Then I forgot to remove them from the parchment in time and they stuck...solid...they were not budging an inch without bringing all the paper with them. On the bright side it was better than sticking to the pan, as the only place for them was the bin. Guess what I'm making today?

Also Mollie decided to have her third preteen temper tantrum in ten days. I was not the easiest of teens, in fact I'd go as far as saying I was very difficult, argumentative, stroppy and sulky. When Mollie was little she had some pretty bad tantrums but we found a way of dealing with them, she got over them and turned into a nice, pleasant, helpful girl (most of the time). I think mum will probably be smiling and thinking what goes around comes around, as for me? I'm hoping for a longer break before the next one and I'm hoping they don't go on for too many years.

Now after a bad day like that I need a laugh and who better to provide me with one than John:

THREE LITTLE DUCKS!

Three little ducks go into a Bar......

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day.. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"


"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."

Why she loved Carnation milk...

Terri sent me this, I thought it was hilarious and very worthy of it's witty Wednesday inclusion.

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all .. ." She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms ... I can do this! She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house ... a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are! here to award you $2000, even though we will not be able to use it ... " Here is her entry:




This really made me laugh as well.

Witty Wednesday: The Value of a Drink

John is a great blogging friend of mine who writes a very entertaining blog but I didn't realise that he had magical powers and was a fly spider on the wall during the Halloween party, otherwise how would he have known how I behaved...and yes, evidently I was telling a new member of the tennis club and therefore a new friend, that I loved her!

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a idiot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

Witty Wednesday

A big thank you to you all for your ideas...I have decided what to dress up as and it was one mentioned but I'll leave you guessing and post a photo after the party (note to self, must remember camera)!

Witty Wednesday once again comes courtesy of John who keeps me in laughs all week...thanks John.

A Scotsman asks the dentist the cost of a tooth extraction.

"£85 for an extraction, sir", was the dentist's reply.

"£85!!!! Hae ye no got anything cheaper, lad?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"

"That's unusual sir, but I could do it and knock off £15"


"Whit if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without anesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism, and it would be very painful. But the price could drop to £40."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, hae yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"


"It'll be good for the students," mulled the dentist.

"I'll charge you £5. But it will be very traumatic."


"Ach, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal!

Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

And...

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked
him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.
I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Lusk

= = = =

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter.

Witty Wednesday

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted

Thanks John!

Misslionheart has joined in this weeks Witty Wednesday with a great joke, go check it out if you fancy a laugh.

Fluffy's birthday and a Wednesday joke.

As you may recall Ben wanted me to make him a lemon cake when I was engrossed in Harry Potter When I refused he pulled on the heart strings by telling me it was Fluffy's birthday, funny that considering Fluffy was only purchased a few day ago. I persuaded Ben to postpone Fuffy's birthday by a day and then made a huge lemon cake and decorated it with a picture of Fluffy. It was delicious and I've a feeling another of Ben's teddies may be having a birthday soon!

My witty Wednesday joke once again comes from John, please go no further if you are easily offended.

Kenny- every parents dream child......................

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little KENNY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little KENNYsays, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream . The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little KENNY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

LITTLE KENNY ON MATH


Little KENNYreturns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies KENNY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f..... difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"


LITTLE KENNY ON ENGLISH !

Little KENNY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

KENNY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little KENNY , that's a mouthful."

Little KENNY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE KENNY ON GRAMMAR !

Little KENNY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, KENNY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little KENNY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE KENNY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little KENNY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"

LITTLE KENNY ON GETTING OLDER


Little KENNY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little KENNY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little KENNY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business."

Little KENNY is the best!!!!

Help: She's addicted...what can I do?

I wonder whether my mother loves me as much as much as her new toy? Within seconds minutes of returing to her house from the airport on Monday she was hooked up and reading her blogs whilst her grandson was begging her to play cars. Is there a name for this computer addiction? Is there treatment available for her? Or is she lost to the blogosphere? It's a good job she has two computers or else I wouldn't have done any blogging whilst she was hogging (like the rhyme) the new computer!

My usual supplier sent me this joke to share today, hope you enjoy it.

Miracle Cure
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.
White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

However, White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a idiot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU CAN ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!!!

Witty Wednesday Is Back!

The following is an actual advertisement in an Irish newspaper.

Automobile for Sale

1985 Blue Volkswagen

Only 50 miles. Only first gear and reverse ever used.

Never driven hard. Original tires. Original brakes.

Original fuel and oil

Only 1 driver. Owner wishing to sell due to employment lay-off.

Thanks to John who keeps me well supplied with plenty of jokes.

Barbara sent me this with its Irish theme.

On holiday in Europe, David noticed a marble column in a church in Rome with a golden telephone on it.

As a young priest passed by, David asked who the telephone was for. The priest told him it was a direct line to Heaven, and if he'd like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. David was amazed, but declined the offer.

Throughout Europe David kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column at each church. When he asked about it the answer was always the same ie a direct line to Heaven and he could call for a thousand dollars.

David finished his European tour in Ireland. He decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When he walked in the door he noticed the golden telephone, but underneath it there was a sign stating:

DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN - 25 cents

"Father," he said I have been all over Europe and in all the cathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one but the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?

The priest smiled and said, "Son, You're in Ireland now, it's only a local call!

I can tell you with the terrible summer weather we're experiencing here it feels far from heavenlike.

Witty Wednesday

Ben decided to pack last night: 20 socks, 8 hardback books, all his boxer shorts, 3 jumpers/fleeces, all his t-shirts, pyjamas and 5 cuddly toys! I'll be repacking today!

I'm not one to shirk a dare so when John dared me to publish the following joke this witty Wednesday I rose to the challenge. Personally I think it shows how good women are are multi tasking and they keep track of their financial accounts!

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."

"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver; waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

My secret swap revealed!

It was with great excitement that I opened my Secret Swap package kindly sent to me from Julie at Abbily Ever After. She sent my favourite peppermint patties just for me and yes I had to eat one before I got the camera out to take the photograph! Also enclosed was a jigsaw puzzle that certainly has us puzzled! We can get eight squares to match but just can't get the nine to match up. Ahhhh, I spent way too much time trying to succeed! Even the card Julie sent me was homemade, now I wonder which talented blogger made that? Thanks Julie for sending me a nice package.

My witty Wednesday contribution:

Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on ! their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)

Male Versus Female?

A case of the old Delhi Belly does not make for a terribly Witty Wednesday but it does help with weight loss for an up and coming holiday!

According to John it's a man's world and this is why, my responses are in pink (and my tongue is firmly planted in my cheek):

Your last name stays put. My last name did stay put but hey I've a choice of two to use if I want.
The garage is all yours. What garage? But the shed is mostly mine.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Thanks Mum.
Chocolate is just another snack. Chocolate is the ultimate snack!
You can be President. I know I can but I think I'll pass on that one.
You can never be pregnant. Poor you, never to feel another being growing inside you. The birth bit is easily forgotten hence women have more than one baby.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. I wouldn't wear a t-shirt, white or otherwise to a water park. I'd wear a swimming costume or bikini.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. In your dreams.
The world is your urinal. I have a strong bladder, I don't need the world as my urinal thanks very much!
You never have to drive to another services because the toilets at this one are just too icky. Nor do I, it's easy to take a whizz without touching the toilet seat.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Well of course not, it's fairly straightforward.
Same work, more pay. Is that something to boast about? I think it's a sad reflection of our so say equal society.
Wrinkles add character. So my wrinkles tell me.
Wedding dress £1200. £300.
Dinner suit rental - £250. What dinner suit.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. I think that only happens if your exposing your breasts then I guess you might want your chest stared at.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. And I'm an expert at it as well as farting!
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Why would they?
One mood all the time. Boring.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. How do you get the gossip in 30 seconds?
You know stuff about tanks. Lucky you, I'm quite glad to know nothing about tanks except they maim and kill and that's not cool.
A five-day trip requires only one suitcase. One suitcase? It's one small rucksack for me.
You can open all your own jars. So can I and I don't brag about it.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. You mean you get treated like a child...no thanks.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. No one has ever forgotten to invite me, or if they have I don't know and am still their friend.
Your underwear is £5 for a three-pack. OK so I can get a three pack for €5 but why wear cardboard when I can wear silk?
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. Maybe but boring and shoes can last forever.
You almost never have strap problems in public. No you have problems lower down that involve a lot of shifting and checking.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Wrinkles, what wrinkles? I discovered years ago that wearing clothes gets rid of the wrinkles in seconds...now where did I put my iron...?
Everything on your face stays its original colour. White, sunburn red, yellow tinge...what's so great about that?
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. Double boring....
You only have to shave your face and neck. What about hairy backs and chests etc, a lot of men take their grooming further because they admire us so!
You can play with toys all your life. So can I, I bet my toys are more fun than yours.
Your belly usually hides your big hips. Beer belly, no thanks...curvaceous hips all the way.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. Triple boring....
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. So can I but I can also wear skirts and dresses, yey loads of choice.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. So could I, if I did my nails.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. Equality of the sexes, so can some of us if we want to? It all boils down to personal choice.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. Look at the crap you come up with and the fun you miss out on.
No wonder men are happier. In your dreams, don't you know we're pulling all the strings!

A break or to laugh that is the question.

Apparently Mollie's arm could be fractured. This is not what I wanted to hear when we went back to the hospital yesterday for a check up. There is a lot of fluid around her elbow which could result in the fracture not showing in the x-ray. Mollie has to keep wearing the sling until she has another x-ray next week. The good news is that even if her elbow is broken it will only take three weeks to heal and will not need to be plastered.

On a lighter note here is my Witty Wednesday joke. John, I tweaked it a bit!

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kindhearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.*

What are your quirks?

After celebrating St Georges day earlier in the week I felt that the following was appropriate for a Witty Wednesday as it explains the quirks of the British. I'm afraid I can't remember who sent it to me so apologies for not crediting you!

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most Britain thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign, especially the French.

And......

Only in Britain .. can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain ... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain ... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

I was asked to be a guest blogger on Frannie's blog yesterday, so it you want to read my post click here.

The brown stuff and the fan...

Wow, 20 comments on one picture, I wasn't expecting that but thanks for the kind and funny words you all made me laugh. A lot of you were right yesterday with the s**t hitting the fan, (sorry Mum). Yesterday was not a great day in terms of issues that involve the Parents Association in Mollie's and Ben's school, of which I am secretary. Unfortunately someone deemed it unnecessary to divulge important information to me before a meeting but instead to drop the clanger at the meeting knowing that this involved my child and I had already queried it happening and had been told on two occasions that it would not. Are you confused? I am but as this is a public blog with my name and face plastered all over it I don't want to be too personal (one earful is enough for me to take). Thank God for Witty Wednesday because I need a laugh.

Many thanks to John who keeps me well supplied with funny emails (maybe you should skip reading me on a Wednesday John because most of them come from you)!

I'm not sure who sent me the following but it makes me laugh every time I read it.

Of interest to those who seek and recruit staff.

Job : B & Q (a DIY store) JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.

They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.

Why I hate gardening...and a joke!

The Spring cleaning bug has hit me big time, Monday was spent blitzing my sitting room from top to bottom and I'm ashamed to admit to finding a couple of Easter eggs that the Easter bunny hid last year (in my defence they were very well hidden inside a pot on the top shelf. Yesterday was the turn of the garden. I took all the bottles to the bottle bank and cleaned the patio, then I turned my attention to my neighbour hedges. We have a wall all around our garden and both sets of neighbors have hedges which grow up and over our wall. The first neighbour has ivy which was obstructing my washing line, growing over my walls and shed and making my garden feel really small (it's small enough anyway so doesn't need to be made any smaller)! Eight and a half bags of ivy later and that side of the garden is looking respectable. My other neighbour is an older lady living on her own so I always cut down the bush that grows wildly up and over our wall. Bear in mind that I do all the cutting by hand with a small pair of secateurs and you will understand why I was not happy last night. I finished about a third of her hedge and I have blisters on my fingers and thumb and a very sore back. I'm sitting here looking at the hedge on this beautiful sunny morning knowing I have to go out and finish what I've started. There is also my first neighbours hedge out the front which is growing over our front garden and blocking out light. By the time I have finished I think I will have about 25 bags of garden waste to dispose of (which I will have to pay for). So to recap I will have spent two days cutting down hedges that do not belong to me, hurting myself in the process and then I have to pay to get rid of the copious amounts of garden waste, no wonder I'm not a happy bunny.

On a lighter note to fit in with Mum's theme of Witty Wednesday here's a joke for you.

To Be Frank:

A man walks into the street and the rain, and immediately manages to hail a cruising taxi just about to pass by. He tells the driver his destination, gets into the taxi and the cabbie says "Perfect timing, just like Frank".
The man says "Who?"
Cabbie : "Frank Feldman. He's a guy that did everything right - all the time. Like I was passing, just as you came out of that building there. Things like that always happened to Frank Feldman"
Passenger : "Well there must be some clouds in everyone's life, surely?"
Cabbie : "Not with Frank Feldman! He was a great athlete too. Could have won a tennis Grand Slam, played golf with the pros, anything. He sang like Sinatra, danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. Sensational! What a guy, eh?"
Passenger : "Sounds like he was someone really special, then"
Cabbie : "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He'd remember everyone's birthday or anniversary. He knew all about dining out, which wines to order, which cutlery to use, all that stuff. And he could fix anything, he was an expert electrician, carpenter, plumber and so on. Me,
I change a fuse and it knocks out all the lighting in the street. Not Frank Feldman, he got everything right".
Passenger : "Wow, some guy then!"
Cabbie : "And he always knew the quickest way to get from A to B, avoiding traffic jams, not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them".
Passenger : "Mmmm. There aren't many like him around".
Cabbie : "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even when she was wrong. He was always immaculately dressed, too. Shoes always polished, clothes always exactly right for the occasion - he was just the perfect gentleman. Never made a mistake. Nobody could ever measure up to Frank Feldman".
Passenger : "An amazing fellow! How did you meet him?"
Cabbie : "Well, I never actually met Frank"
Passenger : "Well, how do you know so much about him, then?"
Cabbie : "Because I married his widow, that's how".