Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Witty Wednesday: The Value of a Drink

John is a great blogging friend of mine who writes a very entertaining blog but I didn't realise that he had magical powers and was a fly spider on the wall during the Halloween party, otherwise how would he have known how I behaved...and yes, evidently I was telling a new member of the tennis club and therefore a new friend, that I loved her!

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a idiot.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not


ChrisB said...

These are all very funny. John is great at to keeping us supplied with jokes.

Sally Lomax said...

That is hilarious!!!!!!

And I would love to have been at that party. It sounds brilliant..

Steffi said...

That is very funny and nice jokes.

Lil Mouse (Jill) said...

eh hm PLEASE change the word "retard" to idiot. I think that's what the joke means. that you dance like a fool, not that you dance like someone that has mental deficiencies.

frannie said...

all of these are hilarious!!

a friend came over the other day wearing a shirt with the ben franklin quote on it!

Lisa said...

Ha, so funny! I can't pick a favorite, though the last one was ironic, because my husband was in CHEERS last night in Boston!

Alix said...

Brilliant very funny. I like the Frank Sinatra one best - I'm hoping to feel better later:)

Asha said...

I like Frank Sinatra joke too, good ones for WW!!:))

enidd said...

enidd is going to think like jack handy in future.

her indoors said...

warning consumption of alchol makes you phone everyone! well it does me!
these really made me laugh thanks

john.g. said...


Karmyn R said...

Those are all great quotes.

of course - telling someone you love them and that they are "my best friend" was one reason I quit drinking!! I was always too embarrassed the next morning.

Emma in Canada said...

I think i've been there a time or two or ten.

Sam said...

I am not a big fan of witty wednesdays, but I do happen to like this particular one.

Beckie said...

Very funny! I try so hard to act "normal' when I drink I can relate to many of these.

Misslionheart said...

Wine is proof that God loves *me*! lol

Great ww's

Tiggerlane said...

Next party? Invite me!! Then, there will be two of us, running amok, drinks in hands, and it will spread the embarrassment around a bit!

my4kids said...

Those are all great. I've heard a couple of those quotes before but I was laughing at all of them!

hellojed said...

A fitting tribute to alcohol - never seem to learn from those warnings though... ;)

Kila said...

LOL, all very funny.

I miss Cheers and Cliff!

(P.S., there's something for you at my place.)

Alfa King said...

Nice jokes.

Carla said...

That's fabulous. Lol.

la bellina mammina said...

LOL! That's funny! Wish I was at the party too. I'm definitely guilty of being a bit too generous with my words of affection when I've had a bit too much;-)

M@ said...

I'm drinking a good sauvignon blanc from California right now. Hits the spot.

my4kids said...

Beccy I'm missing your posts! Nothing since Wednesday....