The cost of living...

*Breaking News*

Dublin is the second most expensive place in the world (after Beverley Hills, Los Angeles) to buy an average four bedroom house.

No wonder I'm still stuck in my shoe box!

A Joke for Witty Wednesday

Thanks to John for keeping me laughing with his jokes.

Husband walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price.

The more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modelling naked and return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund for myself".

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good grief! It wasn't that creased in the shop".

His funeral is this Thursday

To E or not to E.

After John saw some road signs stating the obvious he challenged us to find our own and even hinted there may be a prize in store. Not that I'm desperate to win competitive or anything but I did resort to trying some blackmail. That didn't work so I started reading road signs. This is not the best thing to do when driving your dad's new car for the first time, through tiny country lanes in the English countryside. I even found a sign but due to the confines of the small country lane and the tail of traffic behind me I was not able to stop and take a photograph. The sign, at an entrance to a road (which was big enough for cars and struck me as an average country lane) said "Motors not allowed", I wouldn't like to live down that lane as it would be a long walk with the grocery shopping.

The only other sign I saw was in Wookey Hole Caves. Obviously the sign writer could not spell and when the mistake was noticed they just slipped in another E. So John does that win me a prize?

One last joke to share with you courtesy of John, I hope it doesn't offend anyone but it made me laugh.

The Value of a Catholic Education and a #2 Pencil

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber......Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell
back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."! What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........

Bits and Pieces #2

For the first time ever I have been tagged by the source of a meme. Fatman was feeling a little bored and came up with these questions. His challenge:

'Answer the questions in any way you like. Some seem gender specific but try and think outside the box and see what they mean to you beyond the obvious. Or not'.

THE QUESTIONS

1. beer or wine vodka and coke.
   
2. coffee or tea peppermint tea of course!
   
3. sweet or savoury depends on my mood, I'd usually say sweet but lately have preferred savoury.
   
4. blonde or brunette brunette as in me and what I prefer.
   
5. tall or short tall as in me and what I prefer.
   
6. skinny or curvy curvy is way sexier on a woman but I like my men straight (in both senses of the word)!
   
7. beard or shaved don't think I could manage to grow a beard (not prepared to try either), I prefer men shaved as well.
   
8. marmite or jam what? no contest, marmite, marmite, marmite (unless I'm eating a scone then I'd prefer jam)!
   
9. city or beach both, I live in a city yet five minutes walk from a beach. Shame about the Irish weather.
   
10. movie or book book, there are more good books than good movies.
    
11. revenge or forgive forgive, although sometimes revenge can be sweet.
    
12. meat or veg if I had to choose...veg, there's more variety.
    
13. spit or swallow I swallow my tea but spit out my toothpaste!
    
14. gym or sofa tennis court.
    
15. cat or dog dog.
    
16. breast or bum I prefer to eat a chicken breast (especially with a bacon rasher wrapped around it), I think I'd pass on a chickens butt!
    
17. GSOH or good looking GSOH all the way.
    
18. left or right I'm right handed.
    
19. monarchy or republic I quite like being from a country that has a monarchy.

I tag the following, only if you want to, mum, enidd, Little Miss Moi, Emma, catwoman, Karmyn and anyone else who fancies having a go.

On a lighter note:

This is the fairy tale that we should have been reading as little girls!

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,

Self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating

Ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant

Meadow near her castle.

A frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was

once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper,

young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up

housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can satisfy my

needs, prepare and serve my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,

and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog

legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and

thought to herself:

I DON'T F***ING THINK SO!!!!!

Nine Words and Friday's Feast

This one is for the lads, nine words women use and what they really mean! This list was emailed to me so I've no idea who wrote the orginal list but it made me smile.

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

Friday's Feast

Appetizer

What are you proud of?

My children although I'm not sure proud is a word I would really use.

Soup

What is the best thing you’ve ever won as a prize?

Winning my first tennis tournament at the age of 14 was pretty good (even though I won a wine glass which was not much good for a 14 year old); winning a tournament partnering Mum (she had already won it with Sam and wanted to win it with me as well); winning my first cash prize in tennis (£75, it paid for a trip to Legoland) but I guess the sweetest win was when I won the singles in my club championship in 2002. I hadn't really played singles for years and was up against against a really good Australian girl who had wiped me off the court the previous year. I played incredible tennis and three sets later emerged the victor. In answer to the question I guess I'm trying to say the buzz from winning was far better than the prizes I won.

Salad

Name something you do that is a waste of time.

Sometimes I think I spend too much time blogging but I rarely watch television now.

Main Course

In what year of your life did you change the most?

1993, when Dillon was born. Before Dillon was born I was a selfish, self centered person, giving birth to this amazing, gorgeous, totally helpless little babe totally changed my attitude and now someone else was the centre of my life, dependent on me to survive.

Dessert

Where is a place you consider to be very tranquil?

Anna Maria Island.

Recovery Tuesday

Thank you everybody who posted a recipe for yesterdays Fun Monday. You all rose to the challenge, have supplied me with plenty of tempting dishes to try out on my family and I had a few laughs at some of the alternative recipes!

After my busy day hosting yesterday I thought I'd leave you with a joke today. It's called how to be a bitch and get away with it!

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.

Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother- of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress!

Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

Don't forget enidd is hosting next weeks Fun Monday, she has a great challenge so click over to her to sign up.

Male Drivers!!!

I looked over to my left and there was a

woman


in a brand new


Porsche


doing 65 mph


with her
face up next to her
rear view mirror

putting on her eyeliner.


I looked away


for a couple seconds

and when I looked back she was

halfway over in my lane,

still working on that makeup.

As a man,


I don't scare easily.


But she scared me so much;

I dropped

my electric shaver,

which knocked

the doughnut

out of my other hand.

In all

the confusion of trying

to straighten out the car

using my knees against

the steering wheel,


it knocked

my mobile


away from my ear


which fell


into the coffee


between my legs,


splashed,


and burned


Big Jim and the Twins,


ruined the damn phone,


soaked my trousers,


and disconnected an
important call.

Damn women drivers

A blonde joke to even the score!

Was blog hopping today and somehow ended up at the rambling Irishman's What you see is what you get . I thought I was going to an Irish blog but no. Of course there are more Irish in the US than in Ireland so it's not really that surprising. I nicked his joke as it made me laugh and will balance out yesterdays jokes. Enjoy.


A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.

Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Pam: " I think I know which it is, but I'm not 100% certain. I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."

Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?"

Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's..."

Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."

Pam: "Are you sure?"

Carol: "I'm sure."

Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"

Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo".

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."

Regis: "You said C) cuckoo... And you're right! Congratulations, you have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"

To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her,"Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

"Pam, it was easy," replies her friend. "Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks."

A Thursday Titter

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)


2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)


4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And the personal favorite:


8.WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)


Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face
and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart.